Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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