Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
