you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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