My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
