I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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