he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
