For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
