I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
