Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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