how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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