i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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