dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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