overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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