I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
