Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
