she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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