Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
