Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
