i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
