Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
