just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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