i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
