These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
