dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
