Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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