can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
