Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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