Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
