who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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