first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
this just has baby written all over it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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