I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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