my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
