Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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