i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
