I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
