I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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