God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
