i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
