guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I met the friendliest cop last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
