god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
