I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
