I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
