i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
