New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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