I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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