Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we're making bets on your personal life
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
