you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
