Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
