the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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