I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
