like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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